How to stop sabotaging your greatness and build a new home for powerful emotions
“Hmmm , maybe I’m finally losing it. It’s totally possible this is the moment I’ve given up. Is that a bad thing? … I don’t even know yet.” These are thoughts that I’m having, a moment ago as I was realizing that I had the impulse to do something that I know robs me of self esteem, sabotages want to accomplish and sets me on course for playing catch up all day. I caught it. The feeling the moment an impulse creeps up from the other realm where I imagine these things take shape.
Someone who’s really good in my life said an interesting thing about impulses.
They pass. Simple right? Just wait. In the waiting moments, I’m checking into what I’m feeling. Not the emotions, but literally what I’m feeling. I’m feeling great, actually better than great. My eyes are closed and I feel like I’m expanding warmly from the inside out. Expanding from somewhere around where my heart should be. I feel a strength that is incredible, like I can lift a truck. I’m clear, I know what to do, and I’m excited to do it. So why the fuck am I about to sabotage this?
Is this when I sabotage? Maybe this is when I ALWAYS sabotage. What is so unacceptable about this that I can’t continue? Distractions… now I’m seeking distractions.. anything else I can make more important.
What is the impulse? The impulse is to numb. To make predictable the next thing that I am about to do, say or feel. Because I know that if I drink coffee, watch something off topic, scare myself with the news, masturbate, or decide the dog can’t do without me for ten more minutes, I will be able to predictably go though a routine of emotions and situations that will lead me to a familiar anxiety that will drive me to …. what? The crazy lie is, to get something accomplished. The truth is, to maintain status quo.
The habit of numbing has its benefits. Numbing anxiety, pain, fear, loss. It becomes an instinctual reaction to emotions that fall outside the sign wave of an emotional range I call acceptable, good and bad.
Be patient. Sit. Allow an impulse to exist and pass while you explore what this craziness feels like. If you can, it might be your gateway to an entire new range of emotions that you can turn into your new home. Your new place of being that you return to on a regular basis. I would much rather parent from the seat of “embracing love” than tired papa. I want to feel like I can lift a truck more often.
Waiting out an impulse could be your key to accessing your true ability and becoming your vision rather than just having one. Try it, see how you be.